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We need to talk about Nigel. Again. Not so much about the £5m gift from a Thai crypto billionaire or the freebies he accepted from a convicted fraudster who called him Daddy. Nor the fact that he never thought to declare his good fortune on parliament’s register of members’ interests.

There again, he was only a professional politician and the principal shareholder in Reform UK at the time. And why would anyone feel the need to account for a gift from someone who identified as his son? After all, it’s not as if Nige also tried to lobby the Bank of England to change its rules on crypto. Oh, scrub that. He did.

Never mind. We can forget all about that for now. We don’t even need to concern ourselves with the own-goal distraction of the Clacton byelection. What we really need to consider is why Nige has been so repeatedly unlucky in his choice of colleagues.

To put it another way, why do so many Reform MPs find themselves in trouble either with the law, the financial authorities or the parliamentary rules? Is it just that Nige encourages them to channel their inner wrong ’un. To be the person they’ve always wanted to be. The thrill of sailing close to the wind.

Or could it be that Nige is just the Messiah. We know he’s no Old Testament prophet because he doesn’t believe in an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Otherwise he wouldn’t have complained about Sky News identifying one of his properties, having named hotels that accommodate asylum seekers to his followers. Just for their information, naturally. The last thing he would want is for his supporters to protest outside.

Rather, Nige is the New Testament real deal. A man of compassion and tolerance. Someone sent down to Earth to fight for the poor and the oppressed. To round up the sinners who have erred and strayed from God’s ways like lost sheep.

Take Thursday’s Daily Mail, in which he said he was only practising “Christian forgiveness” in taking handouts from George Cottrell. He had looked deep into Posh George’s soul and seen someone who truly repented of offering to launder money for drug dealers. The fact that Posh was a multimillionaire prepared to bankroll Nige’s lifestyle never crossed his mind.

But let’s not dwell on any of this. Because Nige has always been good and true. Rather, let’s look at some of his colleagues. Starting with Richard Tice. Alas, poor Dicky! I knew him, Horatio.

Dicky is a man utterly without qualities, though we shouldn’t condemn him for that. It’s not his fault he’s really not very bright. A man who, if he hadn’t been born into money, would never have acquired it. Someone who had dedicated his early life to turning a large fortune into a small one. If there was any fairness in life, Dicky could have made it big as a night-time presenter on the shopping channel.

Instead, he chose to whittle away his inheritance on supporting Nige. So much so, he has become his disciple-in-chief. Prepared to say anything, no matter how ridiculous. Largely because he lacks the awareness to sense the ridicule in which he is held. But somewhere along the way he chose the road less travelled. The road of mixed blessings.

First there was the matter of tax. Dicky has always been very keen on other people paying their taxes. Less so when it comes to himself, after it was revealed he had used a complicated tax loophole to avoid paying £90,000. For Dicky, the letter of the law is paramount, not the spirit.

And now it seems that Dicky has been investigated by the National Crime Agency after “suspicious activity reports” were flagged over payments from Gorgeous George and his mother to his company.

Needless to say, Dicky is astonished. Horrified. Mostly that his business affairs were made public. How dare the Guardian demand financial transparency from our elected MPs. But he is also bewildered how Gorgeous could be involved after receiving Christian forgiveness from Nige. Dicky is yet another one left wondering why these things keep happening to him. Is it him or is it Nige?

That’s not a question we have to ask with Robert Jenrick. Honest Bob was outed as a wrong ’un long before he joined Planet Nige. So maybe he just feels Reform is his spiritual home. His safe place. Where all is forgiven. Who can forget his unlawful decision to overturn the refused planning permission that allowed the pornographer turned Tory donor Richard “Dirty” Desmond to save £50m? Though Honest Bob would rather you did.

And now it’s been revealed that a donation to his failed campaign to become Tory leader is being investigated by the police. On Thursday, Honest Bob told LBC listeners – he was sitting in for James O’Brien – he had done nothing wrong and that it was the Tory party wot had made him do it. Not sure that’s a watertight defence.

There again, Honest Bob was also trying to explain to increasingly incredulous listeners that the parliamentary watchdog was just a kangaroo court. Much as Nige had also done. It’s come to something when MPs start trashing the authority of parliament and try to claim they are on the side of the little people. Especially when they are so clearly the Establishment. Multimillionaire posh boys who have been milking the system for decades.

Nor does it quite stop there. While Nige, Dicky and Honest Bob are the one true triumvirate of the shameless, we shouldn’t forget those other desperados who make up the dysfunctional Reform family.

There’s Zia Yusuf, who made his fortune flogging services to the mega-rich. He once saw the light and turned his back on Nige, only to be lured back in. The result? Years of mega rage. He lives in a perpetual fury. Desperate to be an MP but every Reform local association has so far refused to let him loose on their constituents. They clearly know something they don’t want the rest of us to know.

Then there’s Suella Braverman. Forced to resign as home secretary for breaking the ministerial code, only to break it again as attorney general. Some people never learn. Obvs at Reform she was the perfect fit.

Nor should we forget Andrew Rosindell, who, while he was a Tory MP, was the subject of a long police inquiry into allegations of rape and sexual assault. Sarah Pochin has yet to trouble the police, mainly because she has committed herself to a programme of extreme racism.

So that really only leaves Lee Anderson and Danny Kruger as the last MPs standing. Or really just Lee, since Danny is technically certifiable. Imagine that. Lee as Reform’s moral compass. One that points in almost any direction as over the years he’s stood for Labour, the Tories and Reform. Look on his works and weep. Truly it’s not only Posh George who is Nige’s child. These are all Nige’s children.