www.silverguide.site –

I was driving my niece to university, and my son asked what time I’d be back, which was itself inherently sad. When they’re little and you’re leaving them with a babysitter and they ask in a plaintive tiny voice for your estimated time of return, and your heart is gripped in a vice of guilt and impatience, all you long for is the day when they don’t care whether you go to the pub or not. Then, wham, they’re 18, and they ask in a hopeful, slightly shifty tone, as if wishing for the answer “I’ll be back at 2am, or maybe never”.

You cannot fathom why your absence would be such a benefit – will they have an impromptu party? Start a fire? But that is because you’re avoiding its unspoken centre: it is much more relaxing for them when you’re out of the house.

Anyway, I dredged the correct answer from a memory so deep and true it was as if I’d got it from a past life: “Not late.” Because everyone’s dream mum (or aunt) when they’re being dropped at university is one who’s in a hurry. All these caregivers want is to get up in your business. They want to meet your friends, and then meet your friends’ parents. They want to admire the municipal tulip offering in full bloom, they want to go to a restaurant. They want to ask a million annoying questions about your room – how do you turn this radiator off? Where does that secret door behind the wardrobe lead? Ooh, into the room next door, “Hi neighbour, are you my daughter’s friend?” – impossibly loudly. They want to stand under the window of a building that is plainly academic and shout: “Is this where you have the seminar with the gentleman with the unnaturally long hands?”

Anyway, luckily for my niece, I was in a rush, because of the party or the fire. But my sister, who wanted to stay longer and had all the time in the world, decided to come home on the train. She’s probably still there.

• Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist

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